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Dancing with himself

Warning! Narcissist on the prowl. TheCircle shows you how to spot their seductive charms and how to can protect yourself from them. If you still aren't sure if you're under the spell of a toxic narcissist, a chat with a psychic will soon work it out for you! Julie Colthorpe

Kate meets Sam and the physical attraction is instantaneous. Not only that, but they find they have lots in common and get on brilliantly. After their first proper date, Kate and Sam establish that, if they want to take this further (and they both do), they start seeing and calling each other on a regular basis. Things are going well, too well maybe, as they both get swept along in the first flush of heady romance and desire. They start planning things together and find out they both want the same things in life. Then after their first passionate night together, Sam tells Kate he thinks she is ‘the one’ and says one day they will be married. Alarm bells sound off in Kate’s head and she laughs him off, but Sam makes her feel so good, so at ease and warm and fuzzy inside. When it’s just the two of them, it’s as if there is no-one else in the world. Sam says he thinks the world of Kate, behaves as if he’s fallen head over heels in love and tells her how she has put him under a spell. But Kate is still cautious and wary, that is until she too gets swept away with the emotion and intensity of the new relationship and that’s when he’s got her — hook, line and sinker. Bam! The bubble bursts, the spell has broken and Sam pulls away completely. Kate is left feeling floored, reeling and shell-shocked and she has no idea where this all came from. Was it all an illusion — his love nothing but smoke and mirrors?

Does this sound familiar? Unfortunately stories like this are very common and can happen to us all. What you must realize is that all of this came out of the blue. There is no rhyme nor reason why a man can fall in love with you so easily and then fall so quickly out of love. Perhaps his feelings weren’t genuine? Except at that moment he believed in them, they were just too fleeting. A man who rushes into a full-on relationship so quickly and intensely, promising you heaven and earth, can only spell bad news for you. Building a relationship and forming trust with someone takes time, and real love develops slowly, but for some men and women they want it all right now, right here, immediately. When they inevitably tell you that the ‘special feeling’ in their heart has vanished, it’s very unlikely that it will come back. You can over-analyse everything you said and did till the cows come home, but you’ll be wasting your time. You won’t find the answer to why he dropped you so cruelly and suddenly, because the answer doesn’t lie with you, but with him. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed the course of the relationship. The one thing you do need to know and understand is that like thousands of others before you, you fell in love with a narcissist.




What is a narcissist?


* Delusions of grandeur

A narcissist will exaggerate their talents and achievements, and always strive to be better than everyone else. Tom, a self-proclaimed narcissist, says when he walks into a room he wants to be the best looking, the most intelligent, richest and successful guy there — he says he has a strong aura. He goes on to profess that when he holds a meeting in a boardroom he can hold everyone’s attention as he works his magic on them. None of this is said in self-irony. A narcissist really does believe they are better than others. 

* You’ll feel like you’re on cloud nine

A narcissist will make you feel wonderful when you are with them — you feel great because they are making you feel this way — and they are controlling your feelings. Take for instance Kate and Sam. Kate thought it funny how Sam would always ask her how she was feeling, if she was feeling good. She’d always reply she did, and he’d tell her how amazing he felt, because he had her. He had a need for constant affirmation. If Kate felt good, it was a reflection on him, and this would inflate his ego even more. For a narcissist, seeking admiration is like a drug. 

* A narcissist has options

A narcissist will indirectly keep on showing you he or she has other options, but chooses to be with you. He will have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances to further his career and social ranking, not to mention the adoring females who desperately want to win his affections. Beware of his female friends, they will dislike any girlfriend he has, and try their best to destroy the relationship. Without making it obvious, they will subtly try to break you up. Your narcissistic boyfriend will never see this, or risk upsetting his female fan-club. He may have chosen you for the moment, but for how much longer? Do you really want to be this girl pandering to his vanity? In spite of being with the charming, handsome funny guy, this man will always indirectly undermine your confidence and you’ll forever be looking over your shoulder.



*Addicted to love

Narcissists fall ‘in love’ easily, or rather they are in love with the idea of falling in love. Due to their physical appearance and sexual prowess, they believe they can have anyone these desire. They will profess declarations of ‘love’, shower you with gifts, praise your beauty and intelligence, all in order to be loved back. However they are emotionally incapable of truly loving someone else because they are in love with themselves too much, there just isn’t enough love to go round. This is why they have a lot of short-lived love affairs that are intense and all-consuming to begin with, but end abruptly when the narcissistic partner looses interest and starts looking around for his next fix.

Are you in love with a narcissist? How to protect yourself


  • Get out of the relationship as soon as possible. This may seem hard initially but you will save yourself from a lot more heartache and pain in the long run. Remember you cannot change a narcissist.
  • Don’t be fooled by your initial attraction to someone. Get to know them properly. Build up trust and friendship first. Don’t give too much away about yourself and keep your eyes open. If things are starting to move too fast, emotionally and physically take a reality check and start to question this person. No-one falls in love within a few weeks. Be discerning, remember there is a huge difference between lust and infatuation and true love, no matter what he tells you.
  • You may think you have found your 'soul mate' and they may tell you that you are theirs, but that is their way of ensnaring you. Once you're discarded he will go on to attach himself to his next 'perfect soul mate'. Narcissists are opportunists in life as well as love. Whatever hurt you feel, hide it from him and never let him see it. Break off all contact with him — for good. You will feel and will be so much stronger for it — this is the truth.
  • Introduce the person to your trusted and close friends. Whilst you’re up there floating on cloud nine, they aren’t and if they smell a rat, they will soon bring you back down to earth again, albeit with a nasty bump. Don’t resent them, just thank them for helping you to wake up and smell the coffee!
  • Your strategy to recovery: Learn about narcissism, read about other people's experiences and talk to a relationship expert who will help you through this. Remember, you shine brighter!


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