You can hang on to your power and have a good, close relationship...
Perhaps the most scary thing about falling in love is how vulnerable it makes us feel. Now there is someone else in your life that it seems essential to please. This person can so easily hurt you with their disapproval, and you may feel devasted at the thought of them leaving you.
Small wonder that some people won’t acknowledge being in love, won’t let themselves fall or admit to it, once it’s happened. They may even run the other way, avoid committing or even saying ‘I love you’, trying to remain in control at all costs. This sort of behavior doesn’t just make life sad and frustrating for the partner – it means that the person withholding can get little joy from loving.
Others fall in head over heels, dedicating everything to their lover, willing to do anything – even be anything – in order to hang on to them and keep them happy. If you’re that sort of person your lover becomes a god or a goddess, able to make or break you. That happens to us all, to some extent, when we fall in love, because love is magical and it takes us out of the ordinary world. However, there are steps you can take to maintain some control, and walk the fine line between slavish adoration and cool detachment.
Find out now about:
• Staying interested in other things
• The seduction of your inner image
• The importance of self-love
BE PASSIONATE ABOUT OTHER THINGS TOO
Before you met this wonderful someone, presumably there were other things you loved doing. These may have been hobbies, spending time with friends, or even your work. Probably – hopefully! – there are other people in your life that you love, such as parents, siblings, children or just close mates. Just because you are now in a relationship, this mustn’t stop.
Make a determined effort to keep up these interests. If you have let them slide, re-ignite them. Even if you do not feel like it, these are an essential part of your life and you need them now, as much as you ever did. In fact you may need them more, if this love you now feel isn’t going to distort and even damage you. Any healthy relationship needs to exist within the context of the rest of your life, supporting the other concerns that matter, and even adding something to them.
Maybe you didn’t have much in the way of interests before you found the person of your dreams? Then, hard though this may be, you need to find other interests. Living just for another person puts too much strain on the relationship. It gives the other excessive responsibility and power. Look for different pastimes, to get absorbed in.
You may fear that if you don’t concentrate solely on your lover, they may slip away. But the reverse is actually the case. Your dear one is more likely to value you if you are not always available. Also, your involvements will make you a more interesting and desirable person.
REMEMBER WHERE THE MAGIC COMES FROM
Your lover seems very powerful because they seem magical – even god or goddess-like. Exceptional, magnetic, exciting – they seem all of those things, if you’re falling deeply in love. But ask yourself why this is? Does everyone feel this way about your lover? Even if he or she is drop-dead gorgeous and amazing, the answer to that is definitely ‘No’!
We are now going to look at an idea that may seem strange at first, but understanding it will help you hold on to your power. What you are actually falling in love with is an image from the depths of your own subconscious! Yes, this unique person seems to embody all that you find attractive, but that’s because you’re projecting your image onto them. In reality there is a lot about your lover that isn’t so perfect. Usually, two or three years down the line, you notice this, and that ‘in love’ feeling mellows to simple loving – or sometimes, sadly, into not loving at all.
The great analytical psychologist Carl Gustav Jung identified this inner image and gave it a name. For a man it is the anima, for a woman the animus. This is an image we all have of our ideal lover. This ‘image’ holds a lot of what we need to complete our own personality. So when you project your anima, or animus onto another person, remember the power is yours. This won’t take away the magic completely, but it will help you to realise that falling in love is something you’re giving out, not being grabbed and swept away by.
It can help to ask yourself what qualities in your beloved you would like to develop, such as creativity, independence, sense of adventure, and work on becoming a more well-rounded person yourself.
Almost every aspect of self-help and self-development involves loving yourself, and being in love is no exception. Just because you’re in love, doesn’t mean you’re the one at a disadvantage, the one who is needy, weak or in any way inferior.
Think about all your good qualities. Value yourself, and see yourself as having something worthwhile to give. You also are magical, lovable and unique. Whatever you do for the other person or within the relationship, make sure it is in your best interests, because only if you feel worthwhile, safe and cared-for can you give your best to your partner.
HOW WE CAN HELP
We’ve looked at the importance of being passionate about other things, the enchantment of the inner image and loving yourself. These are all aspects to remember as you keep your power in the relationship. But of course sometimes feelings can run away with you and you may lose your sensible perspective. Luckily our insightful and encouraging Readers are always available for you to turn to, to manage the situation. If you are currently struggling with love dilemmas, put in a call and feel consoled and in control.
PUBLISHED: 13 October 2016