If you love someone you’ll probably want to show it and it may seem obvious to you how you should do this. But loving someone, really getting close to them, means understanding that they may be quite different from you in certain ways. One of these ‘ways’ is their ‘language of love’.
The truth is we don’t all express our feelings the same way. If your lover has a different ‘language’, misunderstandings and hurt can arise. However, there’s no need for this. Accept there’s more than one way of getting over the vital message ‘I love you’. then you’ll know what your dearest is saying – and you’ll get through to them, too!
Find out about:
- Communication and understanding
The most obvious way of saying ‘I love you is to say it! You may think those three words are the most important ones you could hear, and you may tell your lover this over and over again. Possibly you may feel hurt that your lover doesn’t say this as often – or even at all!
But some people feel embarrassed saying such things. There could be all sorts of reasons for this. If you or your lover feel this way it could be because you’ve been brought up not to express your emotions. Possibly you fear you won’t be believed, or the words sound loaded with other implications – or just empty. After all, talk is cheap!
If you or your lover feel this way then it may be hard to express it as well as other feelings, because you may simply not be good with words! One way round this is to buy a card saying the words. Better still, try to understand your lover’s language.
You’ve heard the phrase ‘Actions speak louder than words’. To some people what you do, how you behave is of first importance. To tell you you’re loved, your partner may make you cups of tea and do jobs to please you.
The trouble with this ‘language’ is that it’s easy to make a bit of a mistake by doing the ‘wrong’ action! For instance, you may want coffee but your lover makes tea. You may want bags brought in from the car, but you get the lawn mowed.
Sex may come into this category. Some people may see sexual demands as selfish. Of course they may be – but they may also be the way your lover tells you how much you mean to them.
If that happens it’s important to understand that your lover is pouring out their love in the way they know how. So they forgot to check with you what jobs you’d like done, but they’re making the statement ‘I care about you’ nonetheless.
If you aren’t into material things you could dismiss this ‘language’ as trying to buy you. But it definitely isn’t that. Your dear one may see lovely things as a symbol of love and really believe it’s great to give something tangible. They may be very generous and go without themselves to gift you, but even if they have plenty of cash, they are deciding to spend it on you!
Show you appreciate what they give by noticing the thought that went into it, and looking after it. If you can’t afford to reciprocate, explain this. Maybe you can give much smaller things – or even explain the content of this article and simply say ‘I love you!’
Just spending time together can be your lover’s main language. If you don’t ‘get’ this it could seem to you that they’re hanging around and even time-wasting. You could feel puzzled and even irritated if you don’t know what’s going on.
To some people time is very valuable and it’s true that ‘quality time’ together is vital to any partnership. If this is your lover’s language, plan to do things together that are either useful or enjoyable – or both!
UNDERSTANDING AND COMMUNICATING
As with all matters in relationships, taking a step back and reflecting is vital. It’s so easy to make assumptions and to judge another by your own standards. This can make you both unhappy, and it’s so unnecessary.
Even if your dear one isn’t great at communicating it will help greatly if you can accept that just because they are different from you it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. So don’t jump to conclusions. Understand your lover’s language and hear those messages of caring and affection.
HOW WE CAN HELP
You’ve learnt about the fact there are different languages, and these include words, deeds, gifts and time. There may be other languages, and you know about the importance of understanding, and an open mind. Hopefully you can see your lover in a new light and take in what they are trying to convey.
PUBLISHED: 28 May 2018