Separate Amicably

 
Holidays should be times of joy and closeness, but if things aren’t quite right between you the extra time spent together could push your relationship over the edge. You may come back from holiday realising there’s no future for you as a couple. Everyone else seems to be having a lovely time, but your partnership with all its hopes and dreams is over. This can be a sad realisation, but there are ways to get through with the minimum of bitterness and hurt.
 
Learn how to:
  • Avoid blame
  • Be positive
  • Enjoy the present
  • Look to the future

 


 

AVOID BLAME

 
Probably you feel your partner (or ex-partner) has done quite a few things that are wrong. If that were not the case, probably you would not be splitting up. You may genuinely believe that you have tried your best and are not at fault. This will be especially the case if your partner has been unfaithful.  
 
Of course you can’t help feeling hurt and resentful, but try not to let this overwhelm you. If you become bitter and angry you are only making things worse for yourself. Explain that you are hurt and ask your ex to treat you with some kindness and consideration while you negotiate the split. If that’s not forthcoming, stay as neutral as possible and keep your distance. There is no point poisoning the bright air of summer with accusations and insults.
 

BE POSITIVE

 
You are sure to have lots of negative feelings. That’s understandable and you don’t need to repress them. However, indulging them is another matter. Where possible, choose to be civilised.
 
There are things you are best avoiding saying. ‘I never loved you’ is top of the list. The relationship is over, but if you say something like that, good memories are wiped out also, and your ex may feel their past has been swept away.
 
If possible, be grateful for the things the relationship has given you. Respect the good qualities of your ex. Work on forgiving any wrong you feel has been done to you, for forgiveness is a great gift you give yourself, setting you free from unpleasant feelings.
 
If you’ve been living together, and especially if you have children, there will be practical matters to sort. Stick to the point and don’t use your discussions as an opportunity to score points. It is in both your interests to resolve things so you can move on.
 
If you wanted the split, then your freedom is in sight. Be firm and give your ex as much space as possible. The openness of summer will give you more scope for this.
 
If it was a mutual decision, celebrate the friendship that you have in as many ways as you can. Maybe you are comfortable enough together to be able to carry on in each other’s company. If so, don’t let anyone tell you this is inappropriate. If they don’t like it, that’s their problem. Just make sure that you are your ex have your boundaries clear.
 
If you did not want the split, then you may well be hurting, and the summer may feel like a mockery. But your ex isn’t the only person you can enjoy the summer with. Spend time with friends who can make you laugh and distract you from feeling sorry for yourself.
 

ENJOY THE PRESENT

 
It may seem that your world is at an end, but that’s just an emotion, and it’s temporary. Your world is most certainly not at an end, so keep reminding yourself that even if things look bleak, they will get better. Or maybe you realise that you’ll be better off without this relationship, but you still feel really down at the dismantling of your life together. That’s natural, but it’s only part of your life, not the whole.
 
Summer is still here, whether you are separating or not. The sun still sets late and rises early on vibrant summer days. The birds still sing, children are delighted that school has broken up and students breathe a sigh of relief that exams etc. are over. Make sure you get out for walks and other activities and keep reminding yourself to stay in the present, with the warmth on your skin and the balmy breeze in your hair. Don’t miss this precious time. Book some time to do whatever it is you really enjoy, regardless of anyone else.
 
Quite possibly you will now have the opportunity to do certain things that your ex didn’t much like. You don’t have to please them now, or even compromise. Enjoy your freedom as much as you can. Rest assured that you will enjoy it even more as time goes by.
 

LOOK TO THE FUTURE

 
The past is the past – there’s no point reliving old hopes and dreams or dwelling on memories that are only going to make you feel more bereft. In time you may come to see that the past you shared has really given you something valuable, but for now it is best to move on.
 
Make yourself imagine a happy future, maybe where you are settled and fulfilled in a new relationship, or doing something you’ve always dreamt of, that this relationship didn’t leave room for. When all’s said and done, this relationship wasn’t right. Let it go to make room for something better.
 

HOW WE CAN HELP

 

We’ve looked at avoiding blame, being positive, being in the present and looking to the future, giving you tools to handle your break-up amicably. Endings are rarely easy things and summer separation can be especially sad. If you find that trying your best isn’t working and the hurt and loneliness are getting too much, there’s always help close at hand. Our kind and supportive Readers are always available to enable you to see things differently, so call today and be lifted out of the darkness into the summer light.

 

PUBLISHED: 24 July 2017

 

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