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My Lover Has Changed - Where Has that Wonderful Person I Committed To Gone?


Have you woken up to realize that you’re sleeping next to a stranger?  Don’t panic!  Change is part of every relationship and you can adjust, as long as the basics are there.




When we fall in love we may believe that this is with a real person, but it is always an inner image that captivates us.  The great analytical psychologist C G Jung called this figure the ‘anima’ in a woman and the ‘animus’ in a man.  This subconscious ‘soul-mate’ is very powerful, guiding our actions and causing irresistible attraction.  When we meet someone who seems to have the qualities of this inner image, we fall hook, line and sinker, believing this amazing person is the next thing to an angel.  We don’t actually see the flaws, and the ways in which the real human being is actually different from the image we had.  But it isn’t their fault – it’s just the way things are.




There is a time in every relationship – usually about two years after the beginning – when a couple falls out of love.  You start to notice all the annoying little habits and the ways in which your partner is anything but ideal.  The magic dies and you may wonder what has happened.  This is when being ‘in love’ can turn into ‘loving’ – hopefully!  Excitement turns into familiarity, and although your lover is revealed as an ordinary human being you can still find things about them to like, admire and love.  But to make this transition you have to be realistic and adjust your dreams.  No-one can be totally fabulous and you can’t expect to waft through life on Cloud Nine.  To make it through this stage requires maturity and common sense.  It can be especially tricky if you’re the kind of person that falls head over heels really quickly, or if you were ‘in love with love’ – or worst of all, fell in love with the fact that you were adored!  But you can still do your best!



If you have lots of things in common then you can still have a fulfilling life together.  However, you need to accept the fact that you can’t live on an emotional high.  For some people this is impossible and these are the ones who bounce from relationship to relationship, finding it hard to commit.  If you want stability, you have to compromise.




At the beginning of a relationship we all make an extra-special effort.  We take care of how we look and try to be as nice as possible.  If you’re into someone you find out what they like and what they expect from you and you do your best to deliver it.  After a while we all tend to revert to type.  If your sweetie has relapsed, there’s no harm in pulling them up about it.  They tried hard once, they can do it again.



Maybe you wanted the relationship so much you deceived yourself totally.  Or possibly your other half purposely pulled the wool over your eyes.  If this is the case, you are now at the point where you need to be open.  Why has this happened, and what are you left with?  Denying the obvious is the worst thing you can do.  If your lover deceived you and now is continuing to deceive you by denying what they have done, it’s important that you put your own welfare and peace of mind first.  It’s one thing to be disappointed and quite another to be disturbed.  If you can’t both work on this honestly it may be time to cut your losses and end the partnership.  However, something unexpectedly rich and fulfilling may be there for you both, with effort.



Becoming addicted, whether to drugs, alcohol, gambling, on-line porn or whatever can radically alter a person and if this has happened then you truly may be with a different person.  Sadly, you can’t sort this.  Your partner needs to commit to making a change and working on it, and until they do this it may be best to distance yourself, and protect yourself emotionally.

In life we all know that change is the only constant.  Be patient and give yourself time to adjust.  If your situation gets too difficult to cope with, always remember that our expert readers at The Circle are always available with comfort and new perspectives, so why not get in touch today?


PUBLISHED: 24 November 2014

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