Everyone gets jealous at times. When you have someone you value it’s natural to fear a third party could come between you. But in a good relationship such thoughts should be fleeting. When they become constant, they get in the way of your happiness and could even threaten the relationship.
Being jealous is horrible, but having to cope with it in your partner can be almost as bad. Learn to slay the green-eyed monster –
- When trust has been broken
DEALING WITH A JEALOUS PARTNER
When the one you love doesn’t seem to trust you, it can be hurtful and insulting. On a practical level it can make life difficult. What happens when you very much want to go somewhere on your own and your lover tries to hold you back because they fear losing you? Or when an old friend gets in contact? How do you feel if you catch your partner going through your pockets or bag, or scrolling through your phone-messages? Stay cool and don’t let jealousy come between you.
- Try to separate the person from the behavior. Jealousy can make a person seem small and sneaky, and when you see that side of your dear one it can eat away at your love. But the person you fell for is still there. All the great things about your relationship are still intact and those fabulous qualities your partner possesses haven’t been destroyed. It’s just that some insecurity has taken them over, and they’re not themselves
- Understand that something in their past or deep within their mind has taken over. The jealousy is caused by some wound, and that is really sad. Try to sympathise with how it feels to be in that place of uncertainty and lack of self-esteem
- Always be straight and trustworthy. Don’t tell white lies to prevent arousing their jealousy. For instance you might lie about a chance meeting with your ex, but if your lover finds this out it will feed their suspicions
- Be patient about reassuring them. Point out all the wonderful things you share, tell them how gorgeous they are and make them feel good
- member that the feeling is theirs, not yours. Don’t bend over backwards to pander to their fears, or give up things you love so as not to upset them, because that could make you resentful. If they get upset or in a mood, stay calm
- Encourage them to get help. A call to one of our sensible and reassuring Readers could give them the new perspective they need
DEALING WITH YOUR OWN JEALOUSY
If you are a victim of jealousy, you will know that it is one of the most horrible things to experience. It comes from the belief you’re not good enough, and makes you feel even worse about yourself! But you can move on and feel good again
- Accept your jealousy. Don’t try to deny it to yourself. Being jealous doesn’t make you less of a person. Some of the most beautiful and clever people are jealous – it has nothing to do with your qualities
- Try to understand where the jealousy comes from. Maybe you had a brother or sister who was treated better than you by your parents. Maybe it comes from experiences at school. Your jealousy is not about the present moment – it comes from conditioning, and you can and will re-programme yourself
- Calm down, try to be realistic and practice mindfulness – don’t give in to jealous rages and accusations
- Tell your lover about your jealousy, when you are calm. Say you understand that it’s not their fault and doesn’t mean you don’t trust them - it’s just that something comes over you. Ask them to help you as much as they can by explaining and reassuring
- Tell yourself you don’t need this emotion. Take several deep breaths, detach and breathe out those feelings. It often helps to dance, go for a walk and/or journal
- Dwell on your own good points and all the achievements and compliments that you’ve had. Think about the people who’ve liked you and things you’ve done well
- Trust yourself and the quality of your love. This is an anchor that will keep your relationship healthy and constant, if you believe in yourself
- Make sure you have a lovely, vibrant life of your own, outside the partnership. This will help you to keep things in perspective. It will keep your mind off your jealous imaginings and will give you positive reinforcement about your own abilities
- Jealousy can often be a push towards something you want to do. It isn’t only confined to relationships. For instance, if you’re jealous of your friend’s ability to paint or play the guitar, maybe you long to do these things. What are you waiting for?
WHEN THERE IS REASON FOR JEALOUSY
Sometimes, in a relationship, one of you may have done something that truly gives the other something to be jealous about. Your journey back to trust is an individual one and may take some while. In the end it is the quality of the relationship that counts.
The partner that’s been unfaithful must show they are truly sorry, be prepared to make some changes and submit, for a while, to some demands and doubts from the injured party. It is natural that one or both of you may doubt that you can go forwards, but a relationship that’s basically good is worth the effort.
- Be very clear about how you feel and what you want – this is no time to fudge the issue
- Stick to your word – trust must not be broken again
- Accept that your relationship may never be the same but that may not mean it isn’t worthwhile
- Be honest about why it happened. What was wrong, or lacking?
- The one who has transgressed will need to make it up to the other in some way. This isn’t about punishment – it’s about proof and commitment
- The ‘innocent’ party may not be totally blame free. Was something done or not done that helped to create this?
- If your partner has betrayed you, it’s a horrible feeling. But when all’s said and done, your happiness is your responsibility. Take your own quest for fulfillment in both hands. Don’t make your partner totally responsible for your self-esteem. Instead find it by succeeding in other areas
HOW WE CAN HELP
Now you have some helpful suggestions about dealing with jealousy in your partner, yourself and in the relationship if there is true cause for jealousy. You don’t have to let this nasty emotion cause havoc. If you need extra help, don’t worry. Our expert Readers are always on hand to set your mind at rest so don’t let it get you down – call without delay!
PUBLISHED: 06 July 2018