It’s human nature to want to continue your own flesh and blood. In fact it feels like a normal right, and when you realize there is a difficulty you may see this a very unfair. Why can you not be part of this mysterious river of life that seems to flow so freely through others? Why can you not have the fascination of seeing your characteristics and those of your loved one emerging in the face of a child? Your future may look bleak and empty without the patter of tiny feet. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
When you first realize having your own child is impossible or unlikely, you are bound to go through a grieving time of anger and loss. As with all painful emotions, while you’re in this it may seem like it could never end, but one way or another it will. However, before you accept childlessness, explore all the possibilities. IVF, AI, AID, surrogacy – maybe one of these could give a chance for at least one of you to be a natural parent. Also, bear in mind that doctors have made mistakes in the past and so-called infertile couples have had families.
Not having a baby can be lonely and isolating. It can throw up relationship issues that you may need to work through – for instance, how do you deal with this if just one of you is infertile? It’s so important to be honest about how you feel and to talk about things like blame and guilt. If you are strong and loving you can get through this and become closer. It can also be very helpful to be in contact with other couples who are childless. How have they adjusted? What do they now see as the meaning of their lives? Have there been advantages to not having kids? At first you may want to ‘hang on’ to your sorrow and resentment, as it were, for it may, strange though it sounds, seem like your only link with the world of parenthood. You may resist joining the ranks of those who are confirmed child-free and learning from them. But there is a world out there that holds meaning and joy for you, and sooner or later you will see this.
Once you have accepted that you aren’t going to have your own child, you have a new part to play. Although this feels like a loss, it can be a plus, even though you may not be ready to see this at first.
• Consider your spiritual path. Why have you been ‘chosen’ to be childless? Could it be this is leaving room in your life for something else that you need to be doing, that is important?
• Do you have a vocation or creative talent that needs to be followed? Maybe your energies need to be used for this and long-term you may find this more fulfilling.
• People who have no children of their own have a special place in society. They can bring joy to the lives of the children in the extended family by being both thoughtful and playful. Not having the responsibility, they can provide respite for busy parents and excitement and broader perspectives for children. They can also help out when the going gets tough. In fact, childlessness for some couples may be Nature’s way of ensuring survival and making sure the planet does not become over-populated.
• If you truly, deeply want to rear children, you can do this. All over the world there are countless orphaned and needy children. You can do a wonderful job giving a child a home. If you adopt a baby, that little person will know no other parent, and will look to you as the mother or father, just as if you were the ‘natural’ one. After just a year or so you will be in exactly the same position as other parents – birth process a thing of the past and child-rearing the central concern.
Sometimes however hard you try, relationship issues seem impossible, especially when you’re dealing with something as big and outside your control as childlessness. Maybe you’re confused and hurt, unable to see how these feelings can change. But help is at hand. Relationship advice and dating advice are available with a few clicks, when you contact us at The Circle. Find support with your love and family issues, get your relationship horoscope or benefit from psychic insight. There’s no need to cope with your anxieties alone – put in a call today.
PUBLISHED: 7 January 2015