Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about our relationships. If you’re single, chances are you’re looking for that special someone and dreaming about how life could be with your soul-mate. If you’re coupled-up, you’re trying to be a good partner and working on the relationship in every way you can think. Many people in an established relationship wish their loved one would treat them better and spend time and effort trying to make them understand their needs. In all of this there’s something missing – that vital relationship with yourself.
Read on to discover how:
- A good relationship with yourself boosts partnerships
- You can stop negative self-talk
- Being your own best friend works
- Self care is essential
HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF BENEFITS PARTNERSHIPS
So often we try to make our partner give us things we don’t give ourselves, such as respect and consideration. If you lack self-esteem and feel an inner emptiness, you’ll probably want your lover to build you up and fill that void. However, that can put extra strain on the relationship. Although they love you your partner can’t be expected to ‘repair’ you. They can never permanently make up for your inner inadequacies and sooner or later they are bound to say or do something wrong.
On the other hand, if you enter a relationship feeling good and inwardly ‘complete’, then you’re not looking for a lover to supply what you lack. You have more positive emotional energy to put into the partnership, and so it’s more likely to succeed. Paradoxically, the less you need someone to make you feel good, the more likely you are to have that feel-good relationship. And how do you arrive at that place of confidence and inner security? By cultivating a good relationship with yourself.
STOP NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
Having a good relationship with yourself starts with rejecting negative self-talk. How many times a day do you say to yourself ‘What a stupid person you are!’ ‘Messed up again’ ‘You just aren’t good enough’ etc. etc. If you listen to yourself you may realise how unkind you are being. You would never speak like that to someone you cared for and whom you expected to be nice back to you. If you think this doesn’t matter, think again. Your poor, battered subconscious mind is suffering.
Become aware of this negative script, and pull yourself up whenever you catch yourself. Replace the negative stuff with something soothing and positive. If you’ve made a mistake (as we all do) forgive yourself. Gently tell yourself what you can learn from this, why it was understandable and how you’ll improve. Then start telling yourself your good qualities. It may feel strange at first, but you’ll get into the habit and feel so much better.
BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
Stop the harshness, the inner anger, the ‘fed up-ness’ and treat yourself as a valued friend. What would a best friend say to you? What would they advise? Someone who likes you and values you has a stock of positive things to say, and is encouraging and caring.
When you feel low, hurt or confused, ask this inner ‘Bestie’ what they think you should do. Listen when they compliment you and support you. If you find this difficult, just imagine that you’re talking to a real friend. This will get easier as time goes by and you’ll feel heartened.
SELF CARE IS ESSENTIAL
How often do you do things that you find unpleasant, spend time with people you don’t like or who are bad for you, fall into habits that damage you mentally or physically? Most of us are controlled by ‘shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and routines. What does your inner Bestie have to say about this? There are sure to be ways to be kinder to yourself, once you let go of the attitude that tells you it’s your fault and you must shape up.
You may also have patterns of behavior that damage your health, such as eating too much, drinking too much alcohol, not exercising enough – all the usual issues that we know about but still fall into. These can be overcome by loving care for yourself, not by telling yourself you’re hopeless and need self-discipline.
And how often do you lose yourself in negative thoughts, imagining the worst, stoking up your anxiety? Deep within you may have absorbed the idea that you don’t deserve to be happy, and so accept your negative moods. But everything in life comes from how we look at it, and if you’re kind to yourself you’ve made a start towards being positive and happy.
Look at the areas in your life that are causing you grief, and send yourself loving kindness. From the perspective of being caring, what changes can you make? What behavior can you let go, what situations make easier? The point about doing this is not simply to have a more enjoyable, less troublesome life, although that is important. The message that you are sending your deeper self is that you care, that you have a compassionate and benevolent attitude to yourself – and from that all manner of good things will evolve.
HOW WE CAN HELP
In this article we have looked at the importance of having a good relationship with yourself, stopping negative self-talk, being your own ‘Bestie’ and caring lovingly for yourself. All of this will greatly help you, but if you are feeling deeply depressed you may find it hard to get started. Our Readers are there for you, if you feel this way. The Reader of your choice can give you insight and change your outlook, so you can begin to improve things. Why feel low and hopeless? Call today and be lifted.
Published: 26 August 2016