Endings are painful, but sometimes there is no way to repair a relationship. If you weren’t meant to be together, then the only way is to wrap things up and move on.
Learn how to let the past be the past and go forwards with a positive attitude.
- Letting go of the blame game
- Picking up with friends and family
- Sorting out practicalities
- Realising what you’ve learned
TRY NOT TO PLAY THE BLAME GAME
It is true that in some relationships one or both partners may behave badly. If you’ve been abused and manipulated, that was not ok. But realise it takes two for this to happen and affirm that you are no longer a victim.
In most cases things just haven’t worked out and the partnership isn’t meant to be. It’s not fair or helpful to blame anyone, and if you’re pointing the finger at your partner the resentment you feel can stop you moving on.
Certainly you should not blame yourself. It’s just one of those things. You cannot make something ‘right’ that was ‘wrong’ so try to find peace and calmness within. This has happened for a good reason.
IT’S GOOD TO CRY
When a partnership ends it’s very much like a bereavement. It’s tough realising the person you’ve spent so many wonderful times with will leave your life. But even if things were bad between you and you’ve initiated the split, there’s still a sense of loss. At one time you had hopes, plans and dreams. At one time you probably thought you’d be together forever. Letting go of this is bound to be painful.
Let yourself have a good cry. It’s fine to shut yourself away for a few days while you grieve. Treat yourself as if you’re physically ill, stay in bed, eat chocolate, sob down the phone to your best mate – whatever. Allow yourself a certain amount of time for this, but don’t let it go on too long.
WHEN IT’S OVER, IT’S OVER
There will be many good things ahead of you, but one thing it’s important to let go of is any thought of starting up again. If your partner initiated the split don’t get in contact. Do not yearn and fantasise and pray they will come back to you. It’s a waste of energy.
If you initiated the split, or it was mutual, do not weaken. It wasn’t working and there’s no point trying again. Being friends isn’t a good idea – it just fosters false hopes in one or both of you. It’s time to leave the past behind and start living a new life.
PICK UP WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY
When you were in the relationship you probably had less time to spend with friends and family. That always happens and people understand, so don’t let it stop you getting in contact. Those relationships were valuable and your ex is/was not the only person worth having close to you. Revive old contacts and rediscover the warmth that can come your way through a variety of people.
LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
To build a new life you need to be in a strong place, so resolve to have healthy habits and a bit of pampering. Doing exercise is essential because it releases your body’s own equivalent of morphine, which will make you feel better. Choose an exercise that you enjoy and do it with friends, if possible.
Pamper yourself as much as you can. Have a massage, buy a new outfit, book some time away. There may be things you’ve been wanting to do but couldn’t because you were hitched – now you can! Give yourself positive messages about your self worth and how enjoyable it can be to be free.
SORT OUT THE PRACTICAL STUFF
Money, accommodation, joint commitments – sort them out now. It may seem like the last thing you want to attend to, but if you don’t, connections remain and can hamper you moving on. They can also get in the way of future activities or relationships.
It’s important to be firm. Don’t let guilt or lingering affection stop you from claiming what’s yours. Often it can help to get some legal advice. You will feel better if you tie this up neatly.
BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED
It may take a while for the dust to settle, but one thing is sure – this relationship will have taught you something. This could be about what you want and don’t want, what your strengths and weaknesses are and your entire approach to relating and committing. If you are truly open-minded this will make you much stronger.
BE OPEN TO NEW LOVE – BUT TAKE YOUR TIME
You may be tempted to rush into a new relationship, and if someone offers you a shoulder to cry on you may convince yourself they’re ‘the One’ – but slow down. The last thing you want to do is make a big mistake that’s going to set you on track for another painful break-up.
But don’t let this failed relationship damage your trust. There is someone else out there for you. Have the courage to open your heart and soon it will again be filled with love.
HOW WE CAN HELP
Letting go of the blame game, having a good cry, accepting, picking up with friends and family, looking after yourself, sorting out practicalities, realising what you’ve learned and being open to new love – all of these points will help you move on and be happy. However, if you’re lonely and broken-hearted you may well need some personal support so don’t hesitate to get in touch with our kind and wise team of Readers who will bring you the consolation you’re looking for.
PUBLISHED: 07 September 2018