We all have hang-ups, stemming from past experiences or just the way we’re made. However, these can get in the way of a good relationship. Your loved one can’t cure your hang-ups and if you expect them to it can spoil things between you.
Take control and ditch your hang-ups for true fulfillment.
Think if the following apply to you:
- Continually having to please
- Being ‘right’ all the time
- Needing continual reassurance about mistakes
- Insisting on always being together
NEEDING TO BE PERFECT
Do you want your lover to think you’re perfect in every way? Do you compare yourself to celebrities and want to be like them? Maybe you believe you just can’t be lovable if you have faults and you want your lover to reassure you that you’re The Best, and you get upset if they don’t.
If you have a need to be perfect, this possibly arises from your past, when you felt the love given you was conditional and would only come your way if you excelled. Possibly you just feel inferior a lot of the time and long to be told you’re perfect because it’s the only way to ensure you’ll never be inferior, to anyone!
Of course that’s nonsense. There’s no such thing as perfect, and anyway it’s all a matter of opinion. Your lover loves all of you, and it’s often those ‘imperfections’ that make you adorable. Learn to value your uniqueness and realise you are perfect as an individual, being – a child of the star.
HAVING TO PLEASE ALL THE TIME
No-body can please all the time. There are bound to be times when you can’t get it right with your lover. We all have off-days, times when we are impossible to please – or you may have a mood when you feel grumpy and contrary. That’s normal.
If you try too hard to please, how can ‘you’ be ‘you’? Accept that sometimes you and your dear one won’t be so happy with each other. It’s about being human, that’s all.
OBSESSING ABOUT THE PAST
We all have a past. Your lover does and so do you. Unless you met at primary school and have been sweethearts since you were five, there will have been other loves, other relationships. Even if you did meet as infants, there are sure to have been other people you liked along the way.
You’ve had a past too. Does it make any difference? Aren’t you now a different person from what you were, years ago? Why worry about what that ‘other person’ that your lover was in the past, spoil what you have now – vibrant and ongoing, full of promise for the future. Get over it!
Why do you have to be ‘right’? What’s so great about having the last word and getting your loved one to give in? Needing to be right often comes from insecurity because deep inside you’re afraid that you are wrong!
In so many situations there is not ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. There are just different points of view. Learn to accept that you don’t have to get anyone elses’s agreement in order to keep to your own truth, and honour your own views.
The love between you matters more than any point of principal, so focus on that and be content.
NEEDING REASSURANCE ABOUT MISTAKES
Are you constantly beating yourself up for making mistakes? If so, you’re probably wanting your dear one to reassure you all the time. But no-one else can make you feel good about yourself. Lack of self-esteem is like having a bucket with a hole it. However much reassurance you get, it leaks away. Soon you’re feeling rubbish again.
If your lover carries the continual weight of convincing you you’re okay, how is that going to work? Find ways of boosting yourself without giving them the job. Better still, find someone else to help. Our supportive Readers are always available, to give you greater understanding.
HAVING TO BE TOGETHER 24/7
How do you tolerate time apart? Do you relish it, find it gives you chances to do what isn’t available within the partnership, and that it makes the partnership more exciting when you’re back together?
Or are you uneasy when your partner’s out of sight, wondering what they are doing and feeling incomplete without them?
When you’re deeply in love it’s natural to want to be together, but it isn’t healthy to be in each others’ pockets. If this is what you want then that’s down to your insecurity. It isn’t up to your lover to make you feel good by staying with you all the time.
Ask yourself why you may feel like this? Were you abandoned in the past? Have those you cared for been unreliable? Whether this is obvious or not, what is obvious is that your lover can’t fix it and it isn’t fair or good for the relationship to suffocate them.
Take up some absorbing pastimes, develop good friendships and make an effort to be happy apart. Then you’ll be happier together.
THE NEED TO BE IN CONTROL
This is something else that comes from insecurity. If you’re always trying to control your partner, what they do, the decisions you both make in life, your home environment, your mutual friends – what a strain! It’s stressful for you and tedious for your partner. After all, they are entitled to their wishes also – think how you would feel if someone was always trying to control you!
Let go of control and foster adaptability and openness. It’ll be easier on your nerves and could make life more exciting!
GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY
By contrast, you may always want your lover to make the decisions. Perhaps you live by their rules, adopt their opinions, map your life according to their visions – and, of course, live by their opinion of you! That’s not okay.
Learn a very important lesson – you are a strong individual in your own right. You don’t need anyone’s say-so in order to follow your life path, nobody else’s opinions can define you!
If you feel you’ve given your power away, have some time alone to meditate and reflect. Start to listen to the small voice within you and let it become stronger. That’s your individuality, your true self speaking up. It’s the only power that matters.
HOW WE CAN HELP
You’ve had the chance to consider some hang-ups that could make your relationship less healthy. These include needing to be perfect, to please, obsessing on the past, being right, needing reassurance, demanding too much closeness, controlling and giving your power away.
PUBLISHED: 28 November 2018