For most people a fulfilling relationship is top of the list of requirements for a happy life. It should be simple, but for so many of us it’s anything but. A happy partnership is no random event, and it doesn’t depend on being beautiful, clever and successful.
If that ‘happy ever after’ keeps eluding you, check the following 6 points. They could change your life.
Learn how to put a stop to the following:
PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN
Self esteem is essential. Love yourself if you want someone else to love you – it really is that simple. If you struggle with this, don’t despair. You need to work on changing your perception of yourself.
The first rule is stop putting yourself down. However many doubts and self-criticisms you may have, keep them to yourself. Of course, the help of a good friend when you aren’t sure of yourself can be great, but when it comes to prospective partners, come on with confidence even if you don’t totally feel it. If you’re in a settled relationship then you can look to your lover for a lift now and then, but don’t expect them to be responsible for your self-esteem – that’s too much of a burden.
The reverse to lack of self-esteem is a preoccupation with yourself. Taking selfies all the time, always focusing on what you want, rarely asking your partner about their own feelings – all of that can seem like confidence but really suggests an inner emptiness. If you have solid self-esteem then you will have a balanced outlook and be ready to consider your partner’s wishes.
Work on your self esteem generally. Stop giving yourself negative messages. Pull yourself up sternly when you catch yourself saying ‘I’m rubbish’ ‘I look awful’ etc. When you look in the mirror, list your good points. Each day list all you’ve achieved, however small. Dwell determinedly on all the positive aspects of yourself and you’ll feel better.
‘Be positive’ is good advice for anything in life. If you’re bored with hearing about it, maybe you haven’t quite taken it on board.
You can’t expect anyone to be drawn to you if you have a long face, always expect the worst and keep saying depressing things. Obviously, when you have established that wonderful partnership you’ll be able to turn to your nearest and dearest for support, but even then don’t become too much of a moaning Minny.
Everyone loves to see a smile, everyone is lifted by an encouraging word. If that’s impossible for you, you may have good reason. If so, seek therapy or better still get instant advice from one of our helpful Readers. Don’t expect your partner – present or future – to be your counsellor.
Try also to be positive about your partner’s suggestions and wishes. Even if you find their ideas hard to understand or share, make the effort. You might discover something that inspires you.
When you spend a lot of time with someone you’re bound to see a hundred and one things about them that rub you up the wrong way. That’s life. When your loved one does things that really ‘get’ to you, bite your tongue. If you love them you’ll both be much happier if you dwell on the things about them that are great. These will be the things that drew you to them in the first place. They’re still there.
At the start of a relationship it’s especially important to avoid sounding disapproving. If you’re often negative about others your partner may fear you’re going to turn that attitude on them. Don’t criticise exes especially.
Do you think that loving someone means wanting to be with them 24/7? Then think again. Your relationship will be much more healthy and fulfilling if you can enjoy time apart.
If your lover wants to go off and do things with other people outside the relationship, try to encourage them. Make sure that you also have interests and friendships that don’t involve your dearest.
It’s important that you each have experiences and learn things separately. That way you each have new input to enrich the relationship and keep you interested in one another. It’s also good to be able to miss each other from time to time. You’ve heard the saying ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’.
Suspicion and jealousy arise from insecurity. If you feel that way then it’s horrible – but it is your problem. Try to deal with this by addressing your own lack of self-belief, rather than endlessly checking up on your lover. No-one wants to have to answer questions about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with. As for going through pockets and bags, and scrolling through your lover’s mobile – please don’t. Always remember that you may find things that look dodgy to a suspicious mind but are actually totally innocent. The trouble is that once discovered they will eat away at you. And if you start questioning your other half about them, how is that going to look?
If your dear one has given you reason for your lack of trust, then this is something that should be dealt with through counselling. Again, our perceptive Readers are a great first resource.
EXPECTING TOO MUCH
If you’re still looking for that knight in shining armour or the beautiful damsel to lavish unconditional love, then maybe you’re wanting too much. If you approach relationships with a tick list a mile long, then no-one is going to measure up.
The same applies if you’re always comparing your lover, or your relationship, to others. Face this fact – you can never truly know what other people’s relationships are like. The same goes for any glamorous figure you may see whether on telly, social media or your local club. You can’t judge a book by the cover, so don’t be taken in.
Good-looking people may lack kindness, and indeed chemistry – both of which are vital for a happy partnership. Couples that appear truly well-suited may be putting on a very good front. It isn’t unusual.
Appreciating what you have does not, of course, mean putting up with something that’s abusive, inconsiderate or just plain empty. But it means being realistic, grateful and focusing on what’s good in the relationship. The more you do that, the more magic you’ll create.
HOW WE CAN HELP
We’ve looked at the problems you can encounter if you put yourself down, are negative, critical, clingy, suspicious or expect too much. It’s easy to get into these habits and even to feel you have no control – but you have. So if you’re struggling with any of these issues, get in touch with our encouraging team of Readers today and do yourself and your relationship a power of good.
PUBLISHED: 07 June 2018