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I Love My Partner But I Miss My Lover


Loving two people can be hell.  You may be always missing someone, perpetually guilty and anxious about all the hurt you could cause.  You may also feel very lonely – it is hard to talk to friends because you are involving them in any deception.  It becomes very difficult to think straight, with your emotions in turmoil and your life over-complicated.  What is the truth of the matter, can you be sure of anything you feel, and how do you cope?


Remember there is a big difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’.  When we are in love we are always, to some extent, in the grip of an illusion.  That magical feeling is not about compatibility and caring, but comes from deep subconscious yearnings, along with a liberal dose of chemistry.  It doesn’t last forever.  If all goes well it changes, over time, to the kind of trusting and caring relationship that we call love.  But sometimes the rose-tinted glasses come off and we realize that the person we thought we were crazy about is different entirely from how we imagined.  Usually it takes around two years for the ‘in love’ phase to begin to fade, although if you are kept apart from the person you desire, ‘in love’ can go on for longer, as the illusion is easier to maintain. 

So it is perfectly possible to love two people.  One may be an affection that has been there for a while, and the other may be a fresh romance.  Or there may be more than one individual for whom your ‘in love’ feelings have softened into something more long-lasting – for instance, some people still love their ex, as well as their new partner, although they are happy living with the latter.  There is also the possibility of loving people of different sexes – you may have a heterosexual live-in partner but feel yourself drawn to a gay affair, or vice versa.  In such circumstances it is easy to see that one individual may not be able to provide everything you need. 

Some people believe that we are evolving spiritually, and that one day we will all feel sufficiently emotionally secure and enlightened to be able to cope with total ‘free love’ for our partners and ourselves.  Certainly if beliefs about reincarnation are correct, we have many ‘true loves’ – and what happens if an ex from a previous life comes onto the scene?  However, no-one should ever be disparaged because they can’t share.  Taking the moral high-ground is not an acceptable way to excuse yourself while having an affair. 

Whatever your situation, try to tell as few lies as possible, but also resist the impulse to blurt everything out to your partner just to make yourself feel better.  Be sure what you want, long-term, before saying or doing anything from which there can be no going back.  Try to act with kindness and respect.  Meanwhile, cope with the enforced separations caused by other commitments – such as holidays with your live-in partner – by trying the following:

•    Arrange to think about each other at pre-arranged times in the day.  You may agree to imagine that you are holding hands, cuddling or together some place that you both love.  Some people who do this find a telepathic link grows between them, so they sense where the other is, and what they are doing.

•    Give each other a gift before parting, so that when you touch it you feel in contact with your lover.  Each of you should pour love into the object before giving it.  This could be an item of jewellery, a scarf or something like a teddy-bear.

•    While you are away, buy or collect little items for your lover (needless to say, these should be the kind of things that will not arouse suspicion).  Knowing you can give these on your return will keep the connection going.

•    Texting and emailing are great but be careful that what you say.  If your messages are read, will they give the game away?  Don’t risk it.  The same goes for phone calls.  Having a whispered conversation overheard is one of the worst ways to get found out.

•    Focus on how wonderful it will be when you are able to see each other again.  Make a date for your next rendezvous and promise that you will both visualize this, vividly and continually.

There will be a way to resolve the difficulties you are going through, even if that is not apparent at the moment.  Meanwhile, don’t forget that understanding and encouragement are always just a call away, so don’t hesitate to contact one of our helpful readers at The Circle.

PUBLISHED: 01 May 2014

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