Sex is very important in a relationship. It has been said that when sex works well it’s 50% of the relationship, but when it’s wrong it’s 90%. Feeling frustrated, feeling that you’re missing out on one of life’s biggest experiences can damage your partnership and dent your happiness. Even in this day and age people can find this hard to discuss – sex is a complex and private matter, and silence on the subject can take over, which makes things worse. But there are lots of things you can do to help.
Your first stop should be your GP, to rule out physical matters. The vast majority of cases, especially in younger people, are due to psychological causes. Sometimes just voicing this can enable you to relax, and find the problem has gone away. Ask to be referred to a sex therapist if necessary and spill it all out because you will be surprised how much help is available to you.
Male impotence is far more common than most people realize, experienced by almost everyone at times. 40% of men over 40 experience regular erectile dysfunction. There are drugs that can help, but it is also important to make sure you are getting the correct nutrients because modern diets are often deficient. If you are living on takeaways and drinking lots of alcohol you can’t expect to perform well sexually. Clean up your act by eating plenty of fruit, nuts and vegetables, drinking lots of water, and getting plenty of sleep. Visit your local health-food store to ask about supplements. There are specific products aimed at helping men achieve a good erection and women to be sexually responsive. Try not to be embarrassed – the very fact these supplements are on sale shows there is a demand for them – you are not alone!
There is no greater passion-killer than guilt, shame and loss of self-esteem. Impotence often starts with a single incident when, for whatever reason, the man can’t get an erection. This may be due to being tired, or ill. However, this gives rise to embarrassment and worry, which causes the same thing to happen the next time, and the next. In this way you can set up a conditioned response in the subconscious. Every time there’s an opportunity for sex, an expectation of failure causes that very thing to happen again…and again. Many men give up entirely rather face the likelihood of it all going wrong. For women, tension is all it takes to ruin any hope of response. The first requirement for good sex is that you can both relax. Hypnotherapy can be very helpful in breaking the vicious cycle, enabling you to approach each opportunity with an open attitude, and go with the flow.
If your partner is impotent or frigid. It can be very hard to cope when the one you love can’t have sex with you. Many women feel less feminine and desirable. Despite all assurances from their lover that ‘It isn’t you’, that can be very hard to believe when your femininity isn’t being validated by sex. Men may believe that they aren’t adequate lovers when their partner isn’t able to enjoy sex. It is so important not to take on board the issues of your partner, because that can drag you down and make it even harder to change the situation. This can even lead to a person seeking sex elsewhere, so possibly causing a break-up. Remember that your feminine desirability does not depend on your mate getting an erection and your male ego does not depend on your girlfriend having amazing orgasms. Hold on to your own self-esteem, and get help through counseling to remain strong. Your partner may be struggling to find a way through and it isn’t going to help if both of you are pinning your self-esteem on a sexual event which should be relaxed and enjoyable.
Needless to say, what happened in the past can have a massive effect on your ability to perform and/or respond. Often bad childhood memories of abuse or ill-treatment are buried because they are too painful to face, but the damage they have done comes out in sexuality. Ex-lovers can also have the same effect, although it won’t be so deeply buried. If there is a possibility of this, get help because it won’t go away and you don’t deserve to have your quality of life further damaged.
Remember that our kind and experienced readers at The Circle will treat everything you say in total confidence, so whatever your problem may be, there is help waiting for you with someone who has never met you, yet will have penetrating insight into your concerns. Don’t worry any more – put in a call today.
PUBLISHED: 15 October 2014